I'm trying not to be a downer here, but there's a good chance it'll come across that way.. so feel free to stop reading here. I write these things mostly to get stuff out of my head, or sort through some of my thoughts. I don't honestly expect anyone to read, or care what I write. That's not the point anyway.
It seems that I've evened out now, as far as my meds go. I can't remember whether I've written anything since I started the Wellbutrin, but just to re-cap: Zoloft wasn't working anymore. I was depressed even though I was on antidepressants. So, I went to the doctor and told him this, and that I'd gained back more than 50lb of what I'd lost before. He said, try Wellbutrin. At first, it made me feel weird. And hyper. And a lot happier. But I also suddenly was way more emotional. It was like the Zoloft not only took the depression away (initially) but it also tamped out my emotions all together. Not good.
So, now I'm weepy on occasion, and I've been a lot happier and more easy going. Today, though, I'm depressed. Remember when I told you about the ex? Yeah, I was supposed to stop the nookie and just be friends with him. That worked ONE time after we talked about it. He came up the weekend I changed meds, because I was feeling weird and had to cancel all my plans. Then the weekend after that.. I forget why. Then he came up this week, Monday to Wednesday, because of the hurricane that never really did much here. During the visit I nearly dropped an L-bomb. And now I'm at work, at my desk, trying desperately not to break down in tears, while several friends tell me they think the guy is using me because I'm safe and comfortable to him.
I want to fucking give up. Ever since I was little I wanted nothing more than to be in love, and have that love returned. And not long after I started dreaming about that, I had a feeling, that I KNEW it would never happen. It broke my heart, and it still does.. and this is the part where I can't control the tears. Hopefully no one tries to talk to me before I get it together again..
Anyway.. I have no faith or hope that I will find that amazing love I've always wanted. Or any love at all for that matter. Don't start with the platitudes or the "don't be so hard on yourself" bullshit. You can think whatever you want, just please keep it to yourself. I'm not asking for your pity, or advice, or for you to tell me it'll be ok and I'll see. This is just how I feel, and as much as you don't want to hear it, or don't like me putting myself down (as you may see it), they're my goddamn feelings and I'm allowed to have them.
The reason I have these feelings is that I've never been the girl that anyone wanted a relationship with. I'm not talking about sex. That was true at one time, but that's changed. But sex isn't love, although they're not mutually exclusive either. I was almost 20 before I had my first kiss. That was the same guy I lost my virginity to, and the same guy I was then married to for over 6 years. The same guy that my dad hated, and my mom, apparently, didn't like much either. Then that was over, and for the 7 years since, I haven't been in another relationship. It's not for lack of trying, either. I just never seem to get my feelings reciprocated. And honestly, it seems really fucking unfair. I think I'm a decent person. I don't hurt other people, or animals. I recycle. I give to charity. I give people baked goods, and presents, and my ear when they need someone to listen. I am now the proud owner of two spazz-tastic cats. But here's the rub- I will probably be an old cat lady; childless, alone, forced to leave my fortune to my cats or the SPCA or something.
I say this because this morning while talking to people about the ex that came to stay with me for two days during the storm, it was suggested that he's using me. I am a comfortable, known entity, and he knows he'll have a good time with me. So, while I spent the night, next to him, listening to his snoring, and thinking how cute it is that he steals all the covers and lays diagonally across the bed, nearly forcing me off of it, and thinking how I almost dropped the L-bomb, popular opinion is that he's got a warm place to stay and that's all I am to him.
Talk about a dagger to the heart. This is the second time I've fallen for him and I think this will be the second time he devastates me. And according to one friend, I'm the one to blame. Because I'm "letting" him. So, I will be a fucking cat lady. That is my destiny, apparently.
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