So yesterday, I started writing it down. I was doing ok, until dinner. I ate an entire box of mac and cheese. I fooled myself into thinking if that was all I had, it wasn't so bad. The other day I also discovered that canned pumpkin tastes delicious in mac and cheese, so I threw in about a half a cup of that. A box of mac and cheese, sans pumpkin, is about 1200 calories. Holy hell. What am I doing to myself?? I polished that off with a piece of pecan pie- the LAST piece- and then, I felt sick. Shocker.
So, the compulsive overeating is back. Why? Because I'm frustrated and pissed off. I'm flunking kinesiology, I'm tired all the goddamn time, work is stressing me out again, I'm not getting exercise, and oh, I've gotten fat again. I've started self-loathing and name-calling. Yeah.. things aren't good right now. I'm ahead of the game because I recognize that things aren't good, but I HAVE to get to the step of fixing the problem, and pronto.
I have two 5-mile races between now and the end of the year, and the 4-mile turkey trot. 5 miles should be easy-peasy. (I was going to say "a piece of cake" but decided that wasn't appropriate here.. especially since I can't have cake anymore.) 5 miles is the most I have to train for, should only take me a little over an hour at my SLOWEST pace, and is a good distance to work on getting faster. Once I realized that the first race was only an 8k and not a 15k (which is more like 9 miles), relief set in. I felt like the problem wasn't quite as big. I mean, it's as big as it was before- 50lb plus- but, it seems like my goal is a little more attainable. I want to lose 20lb by the end of the year. The rest will come in time.
So, I was thinking about all this in bed this morning, exhausted as I have been every morning for about the past month or two. I decided that trying to get to the gym first thing in the morning just isn't going to work. I decided I'll go at lunch time. Yes, it won't be a long workout. I can manage 30 minutes of cardio in that time, plus a shower. But you know what? It's better than nothing. It's a start. It should be enough to start to improve my mood. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get to work at 8am-ish, hit the gym at lunch time, and run on the weekend. I can do this.
Last night I baked 5 chicken breasts in olive oil, white wine, and fresh herbs with a little Montreal steak seasoning sprinkled on top. I cut them in half, froze 6 halves, and put 4 halves in the fridge. I have one half for lunch today, plus some frozen veg. This weekend I am going to buy eggs, and boil a dozen of them. That's a quick, protein-rich breakfast. I shall not eat anymore pasta, bread, or desserts. I may buy some ricotta to mix with pumpkin puree and eat as a sort of treat. I'm not sure how that'll work, but it's worth a shot. I'm going to make soups. I actually saved the "juice" from when I baked the chicken. I plan to skim the fat off the top, boil it up with veggies, a little veggie broth, and maybe some rice or barley or something, and make a nice soup out of it. I might pop in the remaining two chicken garlic sausages in the fridge, cut into little pieces. I'll freeze the sweet Italian ones I bought. I have fish in the freezer, some collard greens and kale in the fridge. Kale makes a wonderful salad. I love healthy foods. I LOVE veggies. I can do this. I did it before, and this weight came on awfully fast and awfully recently. I should.. no, I WILL knock it out.
My demons will not win this fight. Fear, Self-loathing, Depression. You are not friends of mine and you are not welcome here. I will defeat you.
No comments:
Post a Comment