Figuring things out

I've been trying to figure things out for a long time now.  I remember having an epiphany, around age 25, that I come from a long line of crazy.  You'd think I'd have known this already, I mean I've had my family all my life, right?  But that's just it- it's all I knew.  I knew that other people were different, sure, but I didn't really see that there were some pretty major flaws in my people.  And then it suddenly dawned on me- mental issues are genetic.. I'm depressed, my parents are depressed, my aunts are depressed, my grandparents were depressed.. wait a minute.  Ding!

Yeah, so that was the start of me figuring things out.  About two years ago, I thought I had it pretty figured out.  And then I started gaining weight back, and I started being more and more dissatisfied with my job and my life and my (lack of) personal life.  And now, here I am, 45lb heavier than I was at my sveltist, and once again, I'm trying to figure things out.

Why have I gained weight back?  Three theories on that one:
1) my Zoloft (which I started taking, oh, about 2 years ago)
2) my hip injury knocked me off my exercise schedule
3) I'm doing too much at once and am stressed, not sleeping enough, and am not making time to do what I need to do to keep weight off.

I'm also trying to figure out what I should be eating.  Should I be changing my diet at all?  I'm thinking yes.  I'm also thinking I'm broke as hell so I really need to make sure whatever I do it's not too expensive.. 

So, that's why I went and bought a $60 Cuisinart 15-part smoothie maker, along with a green smoothie bible.  I know, there's a madness to my madness... 
I also just discovered how very close Weber's Farm is to my office and my house.  So at lunch today I bought greens, tomatoes, an onion, apples, and some baked goods that I'm already regretting.  (Mental note: don't succumb to the bakery)  The greens will go into my green smoothie that I plan to work on over the weekend, with my brand new Cuisinart smoothie maker.

I recently reconnected with an old work friend, from my former life.  We have a lot in common even though we're sort of opposite in a lot of ways.  We've both suffered eating disorders, though hers was she didn't eat and mine was I ate everything in sight (they're FINALLY recognizing that as an eating disorder!).  Her family's messed up, but in a very conservative, Mormon way.  Mine, well.. they're just mine.  We both love animals and have a sarcastic dry wit and love food.  Yes, you read that right.  We love food.  I can't remember why we lost touch, but I think it was something to do with each of us going through a mental breakdown at the exact same time.  We've been talking a LOT lately through social media- like every day a lot, and I'm really hoping we don't lose touch again.. at least not soon. 

Something this friend has helped me realize/recognize is that almost all the women I know have a bad or weird relationship with food.  That's like, the cultural norm these days.  What the hell is that about?  I'm stressed so I reach for a bag of M&Ms, a muffin, a cookie, a big bowl of froyo.. She's stressed, she punishes herself by not eating food at all.  Another friend of mine was a compulsive overeater and has cut out flour, sugar, alcohol, and goes to bible study 4 days a week.  I've been looking at weight loss blogs today in an attempt to connect with someone going through the same sorts of struggles, and the posts are littered with comments like "be strong" and "don't eat the bad foods."
Food is SO emotional.  It should be fuel, sustenance, something to support life.  But no, it is capable of so much more.  So, I'm trying to figure out my relationship with food and how to wrangle my own demons so I can feel better about myself again.  I am proud to point out that I also bought tomatoes at Weber's, and had one with my lunch, cut up into pieces and sprinkled with a little salt and pepper.  It was heavenly.  After that, I ate the massive pumpkin muffin I bought from the bakery at Weber's.  After a few bites, I didn't even want it anymore, but I ate it anyway, almost as a punishment.  I have a long way to go.