Last week I had a couple really bad days. I was angry again. Probably about mom dying, though I didn't articulate much but being pissed off in general. Things can just be really shitty lately. I've been thinking about going back on my meds. I kind of want to numb myself, but I'm not sure that's what I need at this point.
I DO need to exercise. That seems a tough task though, partly because I'm trying to get my damn house in order, and also develop some semblance of a social life, while also going to bed early enough to not be zombified at work the next day. Balance is not something I'm seeing these days.
I'm eating a little better, though I say that the day after having mostly tortilla chips for dinner and feeling nauseous all night. Ok, so I'm not really eating better. I'm not running either. I did run a little bit last week, on a treadmill, and even on a treadmill it was wonderful. And I haven't done it since. Last Friday I was sort of ok and then decided to drink a bottle of wine and cry all night because I realized that it had been a month since mom died. So I posted an "I miss you" on Facebook and made my stepdad cry too. Wonderful.
And that is how life is going.
This week I'm very busy. Monday I had dinner at dad's. Last night I vacuumed and did some dishes. Tonight Lynn is coming over and we're going to check out the Pho place down the street that I've been curious about. Tomorrow I'm going to Mike's for dinner. Friday I'm hanging out with my stepdad. Saturday we're having two people over who also need places to sleep, so between now and then I need to finish cleaning and throwing things out and get the two other bedrooms habitable. This will involve me carrying big heavy boxes of clothing down to the basement, by myself, and potentially hurting my back. Woot. I'm kind of hoping tomorrow's plans will cancel.. we'll see...
Attempting to have a social life is exhausting. Grief is exhausting. Being responsible is exhausting. Is there anything that is NOT exhausting?
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