at least once a day

I want to blog, just for the therapy.  But I have absolutely nothing positive to say.

I was supposed to do the Va Beach half on 3/16.  I'm not doing it.  I can't run.  Well, I could, but not 13.1.  And I'm not walking it- I did that with a 5k and that was torture, at only about 1/4 the distance.  I last did about 7.5 miles around my dad's neighborhood, about two weeks ago.  It wasn't a bad run, actually.  Then it snowed and I threw out my back, shoveling.  Then I said to myself, you big baby, your back is fine, suck it up.  So I threw it out more.  This weekend I went out to lunch and a bookstore and grocery shopping with Curtis and I was near tears the whole time from the pain.

Which came first, the pain or the weight?  Well, my back started bothering me back when I was my version of thin.  But I think the 70lb I've gained back can't be helping things at all.  I've lost my fire and my drive.  I feel like a colossal failure.  I tell myself about it at weigh-ins or when I can't fit into a pair of pants or see a photo of myself and my sausage arms and big ugly belly.  I lost.  I am not the victor.  I"m going to end up a fat, old cat lady, who hoardes.. something yet to be seen.  You need a shrink, I say to myself.  And then, even though this would be the 4th time, or maybe because of it, I get scared and put it off.

I'm practicing eating a lot less.  I'm convinced, even though I don't think I eat that much, that I must be eating for 10 people.  A lady at work decided I seem sad, so she said we should go to the gyro food truck outside.  She told me food makes me happy.  I almost started crying in front of her.  I did cry, once she left.  I'm fat, so I must want food, right?  Thanks.  A lot.  Irony: I was reading a book called "Why We Get Fat."

I bought appetite suppressants.  I've taken them twice.  I'm not good at taking things regularly so it's probably just a waste of money, not that it would have worked anyway.  So much self-loathing.  So much sadness.  I cry at least once a day lately.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm going through withdrawal from my anti-depressants or maybe they're finally all out of my system, or because something's changed.  I mean, something HAS changed.  I cry at least once a day.  I don't know what to do.

I'm eating less, and I'm going to go to the gym today.  And then what?