Day 3 of my appetite suppressants and low carbs (none after lunch) and I'm down 2lb. I realize it might be water weight. Goodness knows I've been peeing every 5 seconds- especially last night which is why I didn't sleep very well. But, I'm hopeful. I hate that I'm watching the number on the scale so carefully, but I feel I have to do it. I know I need to lose 70lb. And once I do I'll still be considered overweight, if not obese.
We had birthday celebrations at work today. Cheesecake and brownies. Two of the most delicious things in the world. I ate none. There were also strawberries and grapes. I ate none. Why, you say? Fruit isn't bad for you. No, it's not, but by allowing myself to eat some of it, I'm sure my brain would translate that to, oh a nibble is fine. And then I'd take another and another. I can't risk it. I'm aiming for 5lb/week kind of results here, at least for the first few weeks. In order to do that, I must be strict.
I'm about a quarter of the way through the book "Why We Get Fat" and it's making some sense to me. Not entirely. The guy is trying to say that diet and exercise don't make you lose weight. And that exercise always makes you hungrier and therefore eat more. When I was exercising my maximum, I actually ate less. I also ate healthier. And I lost 120lb on the diet/exercise plan. I DO think that what you eat also has a lot to do with it. Since I'm not exercising as much right now, I'm eating a lot less to make up for it, in addition to changing what I eat. For example, there are pierogies in the freezer calling my name. I can't have them just now. I'm not sure what I'll do this weekend. That'll be the real test. I'll want pita chips and beer, and I really should stay away.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
at least once a day
I want to blog, just for the therapy. But I have absolutely nothing positive to say.
I was supposed to do the Va Beach half on 3/16. I'm not doing it. I can't run. Well, I could, but not 13.1. And I'm not walking it- I did that with a 5k and that was torture, at only about 1/4 the distance. I last did about 7.5 miles around my dad's neighborhood, about two weeks ago. It wasn't a bad run, actually. Then it snowed and I threw out my back, shoveling. Then I said to myself, you big baby, your back is fine, suck it up. So I threw it out more. This weekend I went out to lunch and a bookstore and grocery shopping with Curtis and I was near tears the whole time from the pain.
Which came first, the pain or the weight? Well, my back started bothering me back when I was my version of thin. But I think the 70lb I've gained back can't be helping things at all. I've lost my fire and my drive. I feel like a colossal failure. I tell myself about it at weigh-ins or when I can't fit into a pair of pants or see a photo of myself and my sausage arms and big ugly belly. I lost. I am not the victor. I"m going to end up a fat, old cat lady, who hoardes.. something yet to be seen. You need a shrink, I say to myself. And then, even though this would be the 4th time, or maybe because of it, I get scared and put it off.
I'm practicing eating a lot less. I'm convinced, even though I don't think I eat that much, that I must be eating for 10 people. A lady at work decided I seem sad, so she said we should go to the gyro food truck outside. She told me food makes me happy. I almost started crying in front of her. I did cry, once she left. I'm fat, so I must want food, right? Thanks. A lot. Irony: I was reading a book called "Why We Get Fat."
I bought appetite suppressants. I've taken them twice. I'm not good at taking things regularly so it's probably just a waste of money, not that it would have worked anyway. So much self-loathing. So much sadness. I cry at least once a day lately. I'm not sure if it's because I'm going through withdrawal from my anti-depressants or maybe they're finally all out of my system, or because something's changed. I mean, something HAS changed. I cry at least once a day. I don't know what to do.
I'm eating less, and I'm going to go to the gym today. And then what?
I was supposed to do the Va Beach half on 3/16. I'm not doing it. I can't run. Well, I could, but not 13.1. And I'm not walking it- I did that with a 5k and that was torture, at only about 1/4 the distance. I last did about 7.5 miles around my dad's neighborhood, about two weeks ago. It wasn't a bad run, actually. Then it snowed and I threw out my back, shoveling. Then I said to myself, you big baby, your back is fine, suck it up. So I threw it out more. This weekend I went out to lunch and a bookstore and grocery shopping with Curtis and I was near tears the whole time from the pain.
Which came first, the pain or the weight? Well, my back started bothering me back when I was my version of thin. But I think the 70lb I've gained back can't be helping things at all. I've lost my fire and my drive. I feel like a colossal failure. I tell myself about it at weigh-ins or when I can't fit into a pair of pants or see a photo of myself and my sausage arms and big ugly belly. I lost. I am not the victor. I"m going to end up a fat, old cat lady, who hoardes.. something yet to be seen. You need a shrink, I say to myself. And then, even though this would be the 4th time, or maybe because of it, I get scared and put it off.
I'm practicing eating a lot less. I'm convinced, even though I don't think I eat that much, that I must be eating for 10 people. A lady at work decided I seem sad, so she said we should go to the gyro food truck outside. She told me food makes me happy. I almost started crying in front of her. I did cry, once she left. I'm fat, so I must want food, right? Thanks. A lot. Irony: I was reading a book called "Why We Get Fat."
I bought appetite suppressants. I've taken them twice. I'm not good at taking things regularly so it's probably just a waste of money, not that it would have worked anyway. So much self-loathing. So much sadness. I cry at least once a day lately. I'm not sure if it's because I'm going through withdrawal from my anti-depressants or maybe they're finally all out of my system, or because something's changed. I mean, something HAS changed. I cry at least once a day. I don't know what to do.
I'm eating less, and I'm going to go to the gym today. And then what?
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