What it's like

You have no idea what it's like to lose over 100lb, unless you've lost over 100lb.  Even if you have lost over 100lb, it can feel like a dream, especially if you gain a lot of it back.  Suddenly, you find yourself no longer fitting into those cute dresses you wore two years ago.  You feel bloated, lumpy, jiggly, in places you were accustomed to not noticing anymore.  Your once flat stomach has bumps and is squishy and flops to the side when you're laying in bed.  You get out of breath just walking down the hall, your arms look like great big sausages sticking out of your short sleeves, and you start noticing angry red chaff marks where you'd forgotten you'd even had that problem before.  Suddenly, you don't recognize yourself in the mirror anymore, or in photos.  Where did that extra chin come from?  That's not my ass!  Why do I look so SHORT and FAT in that picture??  That's how it is, to have achieved your goal, for a year, or a little under, and then let it all go to hell again in a fraction of the sweaty, back-breaking, tear-jerking time it took to get there in the first place.  The dresses hang in the closet, unused and unloved, lusted after, caressed, but never worn.  You remember things you got rid of because they were "too big."   And you dream of days when you would run 10 miles or more and feel elated to do it.  Determined, ambitious, exhilarated.  Now you're just overwhelmed, sad, scared of failure.  You want to run away from this sad fat person you've become again, but you're afraid that people will look at you, and laugh at your effort. 

end of the rainbow?

Boy, it's been a while again.  I don't have much of an audience, so I guess I don't need to apologize to anyone but myself.  Even though I haven't been writing, I have been thinking (that never seems to stop), and I've had to remind myself of a few things.  The most important lesson, which I get time and time again and yet never seems to completely stick is that I need to exercise or I am a beast.  My mood has worsened over the past several months (and yet in that time I've managed to land myself a pretty amazing boyfriend, how the hell does that happen?), and I've sensed a noticeable improvement over the past week or so, just from 5 workouts.  I logged 4 miles last week, and so far about 6.5 this week.  This morning I was almost calm.  It's been too long since I've been able to say that.  The damn shame of it is that when the beast awakens, I can't really control her.  I don't know if I'm being short, or cranky, or nasty to people.  I just am.  I have a chemical imbalance that has to be tempered by mild drugs and exercise.  I've been taking my meds, but they don't do the job on their own.  And without the exercise, I gain weight too, which just makes me bitchier. 

I'm sure it's delusion, but I feel like I'm getting rid of some of the bloat.  I want to say "losing weight" or "slimming down" but I think that's a little too optimistic.  My goal right now is to go to the gym in the morning for 30 minutes (which inevitably translates to about 2 miles).  If I don't make it in the morning, I have to go at night, no excuses.  This week, I've eaten less, I think in part because of the exercise.  If I want to kick three half marathons' asses next year I'll have to keep pushing myself. 

Also on my horizon is an opportunity that I'm trying not to get my hopes up about.  I'm actually really anxious about it, for several reasons, but I don't want to get into it too much in case it doesn't work out.  I'll just say that despite being a bitch lately, I think I still have some really great people pulling for me.  And if you are reading this, you're probably one of them; please keep your fingers crossed for me. 

I adopted a dog.  I don't know what I was thinking, but she's not much trouble.. except for the shedding.  She's 14, arthritic, doesn't really bark, and frankly, is a little like a hairy, panting piece of furniture.  After I brush her, she'll give me one kiss to say thank you, she poops on command, and I've managed to figure out how to get her to eat her medicine.  She also puts up with the boys very well, and I've even seen some dog-nose to cat-nose snuzzling going on.  So I've acquired another animal child, a little more in the way of expense, another reason I can't go out for long periods of time, and someone else to help me make my house messy.  And tomorrow starts the week-long Curtis birthday celebration!

I'm annoyed about several things, but all in all, life isn't too bad right now.

Self-Destruction

So, I'm not sure exactly what's been going on with me lately.  I've been drinking like a fish and eating like a hog.  I also haven't been exercising.  I'm not unhappy, I don't think.  Not totally, anyway.  I have my lovely house, which can be overwhelming at times, my lovely cats, who are annoying most of the time, a great boyfriend, and a somewhat crappy job that's stressing me out because my bosses are so unpredicatable and mean it's unreal.  But the job thing is just one thing. 

So anyway, I went to the gym this morning, had an egg with some smoked turkey and mushrooms for breakfast, will be having tuna and celery for lunch, and am working on not drinking (at all?) this month.  Since Sunday anyway.  And I also just signed up for a triple-header race next May and October- the Frederick Nutjob (5k and 13.1) and the Baltimore Half.  I'll also be doing the Dolphin Challenge in Virginia Beach in March.  So I'll be busy.  But I need something to make me behave and to remind me to take better care of myself.  Because, you know, my recent embrassing party behavior isn't enough..

2 Months

Wow.  It's been two months since I last wrote anything here.  And I forgot to publish the last post (oops!) But I just did and dated it in the title, in case y'all wondered..
Anywho..  a lot can change in two months.  Let's see, I finished classes (til fall), yesterday.  That's a relief, because I feel like one burden has been lifted, temporarily.  I got a new job, which was a total YAY moment until I started the new job.. and now.. well, let's just say that I'll be happy for the pay raise until I find something that suits me better.  My old girl cat has gone to live with my dad, and I got a new kitten!

He seems to be acclimating just fine to his new home, and his brother seems to enjoy the company.

And, the last change is that I officially have a boyfriend.  Like a real, honest to goodness boyfriend.  Who likes me, and likes to spend time with me.  Whoda thunk?

The last time I wrote, I was in a bad place.  It may have gotten a bit worse before it started to get better.  It's better now, though not as good as I'd like it to be.  One lesson I learned: I MUST take my meds.  Med-less Hannah is just no fun at all.  I "lost" them for about a week, and for the week before that, forgot to take them.  But I'm doing better.

And yesterday and today I went to the gym before work!  I did 30 minutes on the treadmill (30 minutes that were a lot more difficult than they have any right to be).  Tomorrow, I plan to do 30 minutes of some other type of cardio.  I'm working on getting back into the good habit of working out.  Once I've mastered that, I can work on mixing it up more.  For now, though, it feels like a miracle that I'm putting the time in at all.

I miss the gym.  I miss races.  I really really miss races.  I've got friends who are running now, that didn't used to.  I could have sworn I tried to get them to start, when I was in better shape and on a roll, and my efforts were thwarted.  Now that I'm fat and slow and too embarassed to run in public, they're doing races nearly every weekend, and I'm incredibly jealous.  I also tend to think to myself "that's MY thing, go be good at something else!" And then I slap myself for being selfish.  I'm proud of them, I really am.  I'm just really missing races.  So, I need to focus now on training for VA Beach next year.  And feeling more normal.

I DID do something social for the first time since.. oh.. probably November?  And I was a little more my normal self.  I even made a funny hat!

Hannah can, and did. (from March 19)

So, just to prove that I am totally insane, I decided to go for it and do the double-header, despite being terribly undertrained and having pneumonia for three months.  I didn't have an official diagnosis of pneumonia, but I felt like shit and was sick for a long long time, so that's what I'm calling it.

This past weekend was my VA Beach race weekend.  It's become an annual tradition for me, my stepdad, and my mom.  My mom just comes along so she can drink, smoke, and miss us crossing the finish line.  Hal and I do it because we're nuts.  He, too, was undertrained, having run possibly less than I did in my hacking/coughing/blowing mess of a winter.

The first race was on March 16, an 8k, which is technically 4.97 miles, but was clocked on BOTH of our Garmins as 5.1 miles.  Around mile 2, I thought to myself "DAMN I missed running!!!"  I was slow, and already getting sore, but not completely out of breath, and loving every blessed minute of it.  Hallelujah.  I felt on the mend, finally.  I finished in 1:08:14, only about 7 minutes slower than the first VA Beach race weekend, so I thought that was pretty good.
Hal and I both were amused that our ages appeared in such a large font on our racing bibs.. doesn't really seem fair.

Sunday, March 17, was the half marathon.  I didn't pack well.  I then trusted the man in the elevator who was trying to convince me that two shirts (one long-sleeved, and one short-sleeved) would be enough.  I DID wear my fleece vest, and thank goodness for that, or I'd be a Hannahcicle right now, and probably still thawing on Pacific Ave.  It was tough, I'm not gonna lie.  But I got a few bursts of energy, and by golly, if it was a 10-miler, I probably would have done fairly well for myself.  I finished, which was my main goal.  I only got one blister, and was able to walk afterwards.  I consider that a victory.

I've seen the pictures from the race already.. good god I look terrible!  I hadn't realized, even in weighing myself on my new handy-dandy scale, that I'd gained back THAT MUCH weight.  It's disgraceful, and I'm truly ashamed of myself.  It saddens me that I'm ashamed, but that's the emotion, so there you go.

How do they do it?

In reading my favorite blogger's post today, I felt all at once inspired, awed, and sad.  She ran a marathon and felt great at the end of it.  She posted pictures of herself before and after the race, and of course, looked fantastic.  How does she do it? 

Being sick/ having disastrous things happen over the past few months has rather killed my spirit.  Just as I thought I was getting it back, I was knocked down again.  And now I'm just tired.  I feel like I have a ton of things to do, and no motivation or energy to do them.  I mourn my old self, the cute, perky, "skinny" me in the pictures I mentioned in my previous post.  It feels like she's dead. 

I know, logically, that if I get back on the horse and make myself work out as many days a week as I can manage (5-6, ideally), I'll start feeling fantastic.  But I can't seem to want it.  I just want the old me back.  I want my meds to work and I want to fit into my smaller clothes and I want my stomach to be flatter and my arms less flabby and I want to feel good about myself.  But it's going to take work, and it's not something I feel I have the energy for.  So sad.  Nevermind that I'm working full time and school started again (and I started by flunking a quiz and missing a discussion), and I'm really worried about being able to pay my bills.  Overall, it feels like life sucks right now.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make myself get out of this funk.

2013 hasn't been my friend

Well, it's been a struggle the past couple of months.  Around Thanksgiving I got a cat bite, which got infected and required antibiotics.  Then the ex I'd been fooling around with and foolishly falling for again refused to even acknowledge we were together.  In a room FULL of PEOPLE.  Then for New Year, I got the gift of bed bugs.  The itching lasted about two weeks.  Once that started clearing up, I got a cold, which turned into bronchitis and a sinus infection.  I'm currently on the same antibiotics I was on for the cat bite, and while my energy levels have improved, I'm still coughing and blowing. 

Until this past Saturday, the last time I ran was about two weeks prior, at the gym, when I did about 3 miles.  Saturday, I attempted 9.  I managed 8.35, with the last two miles being pretty much all walking.  It was about 20 degrees out and dry, and I couldn't breathe after a while.  Somehow, though, I managed less than a 15 minute mile for most of it. 

So, I'm a little bummed.  I was feeling like I was back on track with exercise and, potentially, weight loss.  But I decided to accept my current state and last week bought new jeans, in a SIZE 16.  UGH.  I'm a little disgusted with myself.  I know I shouldn't be.  But I also vaguely remember what it was like to be "skinny" or at least my version of it.  And I have photographic evidence that it happened, once upon a time.  It saddens me.

I'm grateful to have some energy back.  I'm pissed to still have this cough.  I'm happy to once again be able to wear jeans, like normal people.  And I'm hopeful that one day soon.. let's say fall perhaps?  I may be able to once again fit into my size 12s that I so adored.

Getting back in the groove

Last week I devised a training schedule leading up to my half marathon in VA Beach. 
Monday- Rest/Active Rest
Tuesday- Speed Intervals, Weights, Other Cardio
Wednesday- Weights, Cardio
Thursday- Hills
Friday- Rest/Active Rest
Saturday- Short Run
Sunday- Long Run
Repeat.

Last week I intended to stick to my schedule.  I did not.  I did speed intervals on Tuesday, Hills on Friday, and a long run on Sunday.  The good news is, I exercised at all, especially considering that last week was craptastic.  The other good news is that my long run on Sunday was FABulous.  Seriously.  FABulous.  I did 7 miles and it felt good the whole time.  I got winded going up the huge hill that is Patterson Park Avenue, in the very last mile of my run.  But that's to be expected.  I kicked butt for 7 miles.  And my 6th mile?  Fastest of the entire run.  Booyah.
I'm going to grab this next half marathon by the balls.  That's right.  Ball grabber.  Right here.  Or something..

Pardon me if I'm a little inappropriate today..  I'm feeling slightly under the weather.  Despite having a kick-ass run yesterday, I then couldn't warm up for the rest of the afternoon.  I took a nap with my cat (a cat nap, if you will), watched some football with my dad, had dinner, watched part of the Golden Globes, and then went home and to bed.  I could hardly get myself out of bed this morning.  I slept in til 8am.  Still got to work at 8:35.  Tired.  So, so tired.

Oh well, maybe early to bed tonight?  We shall see.  I've taken some meds, some vitamin C, and I'm back at work totally not ready to get work done.  Booyah.  That's my new word...

Crappy New Year!

My year started off not so well.  I spent New Year's Eve at a friend's party in Frederick.  I'd thought there might be about a dozen or so people there, but it turned out to be 9 in total, which included me and my two friends I brought along.  It was basically 4 couples and a single, and for once, I was part of a pair.  Anyway, the evening was slow to start but as the liquor flowed, it kicked up a bit.  And boy did the liquor flow.  By the time I went to bed, all the contents of my stomach flowed into the toilet.  Ew. 
The next morning was hangover city, and by evening, the bug bites started popping up.  I think they're bed bug bites.  All over my arms, my feet, my lower legs, and even under my chin and on my neck.  Oh. My. God.  Add to that, I had a flat tire on Wednesday morning and had to get a brand new replacement tire.  Nothing like starting off the new year beyond broke.
I am miserable, and that's probably putting it lightly.  No relief in sight.  I did get a bit of good news at the end of the day Thursday, though.  I'm hoping that's a sign of better things to come.