Last week I had a couple really bad days. I was angry again. Probably about mom dying, though I didn't articulate much but being pissed off in general. Things can just be really shitty lately. I've been thinking about going back on my meds. I kind of want to numb myself, but I'm not sure that's what I need at this point.
I DO need to exercise. That seems a tough task though, partly because I'm trying to get my damn house in order, and also develop some semblance of a social life, while also going to bed early enough to not be zombified at work the next day. Balance is not something I'm seeing these days.
I'm eating a little better, though I say that the day after having mostly tortilla chips for dinner and feeling nauseous all night. Ok, so I'm not really eating better. I'm not running either. I did run a little bit last week, on a treadmill, and even on a treadmill it was wonderful. And I haven't done it since. Last Friday I was sort of ok and then decided to drink a bottle of wine and cry all night because I realized that it had been a month since mom died. So I posted an "I miss you" on Facebook and made my stepdad cry too. Wonderful.
And that is how life is going.
This week I'm very busy. Monday I had dinner at dad's. Last night I vacuumed and did some dishes. Tonight Lynn is coming over and we're going to check out the Pho place down the street that I've been curious about. Tomorrow I'm going to Mike's for dinner. Friday I'm hanging out with my stepdad. Saturday we're having two people over who also need places to sleep, so between now and then I need to finish cleaning and throwing things out and get the two other bedrooms habitable. This will involve me carrying big heavy boxes of clothing down to the basement, by myself, and potentially hurting my back. Woot. I'm kind of hoping tomorrow's plans will cancel.. we'll see...
Attempting to have a social life is exhausting. Grief is exhausting. Being responsible is exhausting. Is there anything that is NOT exhausting?
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Life, death, and what you do in between
I've been away for a while. I hadn't even given my blog a second thought, although it had become a goal of mine to keep up with it (not that anyone's reading but me). But, then my mother died, and life just turned grey.
Sadly, I think we all know someone who has lost a parent. And, unless you're completely heartless, we've all felt really bad for those people. But until it happens to you, you don't really GET it. And I don't blame anyone for that- who would want to get it? I mean, seriously, before this happened, I'd sometimes think what life would be like without one of my parents, and I'd immediately start the water works. Now I'm living it, and it is weird. I've seen people be miserable for week, even months. And I have to admit it, I would think, yes you're really sad, and I'm sad for you too, but get past this already.
It's not that easy. For me, it's only been about a month. OR, it's been almost a whole month. I've told a few people, my mom's death was a shock and devastating, but it wasn't a surprise. She'd been working her way toward it for some time, in one fashion or another. She was only 64 but was living in the body of an 80 year old. She had emphizema or COPD or both, and possibly even lung cancer, not that she'd ever go to a doctor for breathing complaints. She kept falling down, one time, the most recent time, breaking a bone in her leg. The break went pretty much untreated because she ignored a severely swollen knee for over a week before seeing the doctor. At that point, there was nothing they could do for the break. Mom also drank too much. She lived on rusty nails, a combination of whisky and drambuie, and would drink them by the pint, sometimes for breakfast.
I never thought, though, that mom would go into surgery for a digestive complaint and die as a result. I was there, after. I saw the body. It still seems like it didn't happen. I still can't imagine not having my mom.
Saturday, we had a memorial party, which she'd told me ages ago she wanted. It was a way for people to express their sorrow and condolences, and to remember her, and get some closure. I'm not really feeling the closure right now. I keep wanting to tell mom about what happened at the party. I think of something funny and want to write to her (she never talked on the phone). But she won't get my message, and she certainly won't respond. She was supposed to be there forever. Or at least until I got married again. At least until I turned 50. Or 40, for goodness sakes. But no, she's gone. She's really gone.
Today I was trying to psych myself up for running, getting fit again, feeling better about myself. I kept telling myself, don't end up like that. It's a shame that mom's mistakes should be such a poignant message to me. I'm already pretty sure that I'll be downgrading to the 5k at the Baltimore Running Festival this year. Mom's death kind of derailed my training plans. The weather hasn't helped either. She'd probably say something rude to me about "giving up." Because, you know, deciding it'd be better to try my best at a 5k than to keep pretending I'm going to be able to do 13.1 miles, is giving up. I'd give anything to have her scold me and make me feel bad, just to hear her voice again.
SO, tonight I'm going to the gym. I'm charging my ipod. I'll do arc trainer and some weights and then go home and think about cleaning. My poor house and garden have been terribly neglected after all this. I think about stuff but am not nearly as productive as I had been. I hope that in time it'll come back. Til then, I have to force myself to do the most basic tasks. You really never know what the death of a parent will be like until it happens to you.
Sadly, I think we all know someone who has lost a parent. And, unless you're completely heartless, we've all felt really bad for those people. But until it happens to you, you don't really GET it. And I don't blame anyone for that- who would want to get it? I mean, seriously, before this happened, I'd sometimes think what life would be like without one of my parents, and I'd immediately start the water works. Now I'm living it, and it is weird. I've seen people be miserable for week, even months. And I have to admit it, I would think, yes you're really sad, and I'm sad for you too, but get past this already.
It's not that easy. For me, it's only been about a month. OR, it's been almost a whole month. I've told a few people, my mom's death was a shock and devastating, but it wasn't a surprise. She'd been working her way toward it for some time, in one fashion or another. She was only 64 but was living in the body of an 80 year old. She had emphizema or COPD or both, and possibly even lung cancer, not that she'd ever go to a doctor for breathing complaints. She kept falling down, one time, the most recent time, breaking a bone in her leg. The break went pretty much untreated because she ignored a severely swollen knee for over a week before seeing the doctor. At that point, there was nothing they could do for the break. Mom also drank too much. She lived on rusty nails, a combination of whisky and drambuie, and would drink them by the pint, sometimes for breakfast.
I never thought, though, that mom would go into surgery for a digestive complaint and die as a result. I was there, after. I saw the body. It still seems like it didn't happen. I still can't imagine not having my mom.
Saturday, we had a memorial party, which she'd told me ages ago she wanted. It was a way for people to express their sorrow and condolences, and to remember her, and get some closure. I'm not really feeling the closure right now. I keep wanting to tell mom about what happened at the party. I think of something funny and want to write to her (she never talked on the phone). But she won't get my message, and she certainly won't respond. She was supposed to be there forever. Or at least until I got married again. At least until I turned 50. Or 40, for goodness sakes. But no, she's gone. She's really gone.
Today I was trying to psych myself up for running, getting fit again, feeling better about myself. I kept telling myself, don't end up like that. It's a shame that mom's mistakes should be such a poignant message to me. I'm already pretty sure that I'll be downgrading to the 5k at the Baltimore Running Festival this year. Mom's death kind of derailed my training plans. The weather hasn't helped either. She'd probably say something rude to me about "giving up." Because, you know, deciding it'd be better to try my best at a 5k than to keep pretending I'm going to be able to do 13.1 miles, is giving up. I'd give anything to have her scold me and make me feel bad, just to hear her voice again.
SO, tonight I'm going to the gym. I'm charging my ipod. I'll do arc trainer and some weights and then go home and think about cleaning. My poor house and garden have been terribly neglected after all this. I think about stuff but am not nearly as productive as I had been. I hope that in time it'll come back. Til then, I have to force myself to do the most basic tasks. You really never know what the death of a parent will be like until it happens to you.
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