What it's like

You have no idea what it's like to lose over 100lb, unless you've lost over 100lb.  Even if you have lost over 100lb, it can feel like a dream, especially if you gain a lot of it back.  Suddenly, you find yourself no longer fitting into those cute dresses you wore two years ago.  You feel bloated, lumpy, jiggly, in places you were accustomed to not noticing anymore.  Your once flat stomach has bumps and is squishy and flops to the side when you're laying in bed.  You get out of breath just walking down the hall, your arms look like great big sausages sticking out of your short sleeves, and you start noticing angry red chaff marks where you'd forgotten you'd even had that problem before.  Suddenly, you don't recognize yourself in the mirror anymore, or in photos.  Where did that extra chin come from?  That's not my ass!  Why do I look so SHORT and FAT in that picture??  That's how it is, to have achieved your goal, for a year, or a little under, and then let it all go to hell again in a fraction of the sweaty, back-breaking, tear-jerking time it took to get there in the first place.  The dresses hang in the closet, unused and unloved, lusted after, caressed, but never worn.  You remember things you got rid of because they were "too big."   And you dream of days when you would run 10 miles or more and feel elated to do it.  Determined, ambitious, exhilarated.  Now you're just overwhelmed, sad, scared of failure.  You want to run away from this sad fat person you've become again, but you're afraid that people will look at you, and laugh at your effort.