Me:
It seems so sad to me that a simple comment like the above can have such an influence on how I feel about myself. I should see myself as a sum of the various parts that make me "me." And yet, my appearance takes center stage when I evaluate myself.
I was bigger, as a junior in high school, than I am now. My dad has a photo of me, in our front yard, wearing jeans and a purple top, my hair a glowing fuschia bob (I wanted desperately to be cool), that makes me want to break down in sobs and hug that poor, sad girl with the ridiculous hair. People judge you on your appearance- I don't think anyone would deny that. Studies have shown that individuals who are considered universally attractive are respected more, get higher pay, get more attention from teachers and higher grades. Good-looking patients even get better care from their physicians and attractive criminals get lighter sentences!
This is an old link, but the data probably still holds true: http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/Careers/07/08/looks/
So, I guess it's no wonder that I value myself based on my looks, especially after years of being told I wasn't good enough or wasn't worthy because I was carrying extra weight.
I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I'm still not what I'd consider "thin," but now, I am in the best shape of my life. I work out 5 or 6 days per week, for at least an hour, 3 hours a day sometimes. I lift weights, I run, I use the evil stair stepper. I sweat like I've never sweat before.
Sometimes, when I'm working out, I get choked up. I get a picture in my head of the girl I used to be. I momentarily remember how sad I was, think about how hard it's been to get away from her. I have to remind myself that I'm not that person anymore, and I work even harder, wiping away sweat and tears as I step up my pace.
I have worked on improving myself on all levels. I'm starting grad school in 4 weeks, and will be working towards a fulfilling career helping others. I volunteer. I have become more outgoing, have a social network, and have been on more dates than I ever thought I'd get in my entire life. And even though I know being skinny won't make me happy, my self worth still hinges on my appearance. When I get a compliment about how I look, I feel elated. If someone tells me I'm kind or smart, I feel embarassed and wave them away. One of the hardest parts about my journey has been trying to see myself as more than a body, especially since the physical changes are the most noticeable. I hope that one day I'll be able to accept all compliments given to me, with a simple "thank you," and realize that they're part of the total package that is me.
